Saturday, February 4, 2012

the (not so) little choices in life

My brain is full. Completely... totally... 100% full tonight.
Do you ever think about your life? Do you ever imagine what your life would look like if you hadn't made certain (really crucial or seemingly inconsequential) decisions along the way?
That's where I'm at tonight. 
I have made some really interesting decisions in my life, most of which were off the beaten path, but I'm so glad that I've ended up where I am. 
John is on his way home from NYC (and he's bringing me an I <3 NY shirt... which I'm *so* excited about) and I miss him. In fact, since Wednesday I've been missing him. Well, if we're going to be really honest, I've been missing him since before he left. He's such a blessing to my life. He loves me so completely, in spite of all my flaws.
Stick with me- I'm going somewhere with this.
You see, I wasn't always so blessed to have a loving, free relationship. When I met John, I was "seeing" someone else. I say "seeing" because he didn't let me use any sort of title. He said he didn't like titles, even after we had been "seeing" each other for over a year. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys (he sent nasty messages to one poor guy that attempted to talk to me)  even though he had several girl friends that he spent huge amounts of time with. I wasn't allowed to contact him- or rather, I could, but I wasn't allowed to expect an answer. I had to wait for his calls or texts (which came sporadically and usually around 3 am every week or so). Forget about spending much time together- he was too busy. I saw him so rarely it bordered on ridiculous. And I was constantly told how inept I was. 
What... was... i... thinking.
Our 'Celebration of Marriage'
My parents would make hints about their disapproval, but since I was in my twenties, they knew they couldn't push too much. Such a brat, I would have never listened. My best friend even tried to caution me about his behavior, but I would get snippy with her and defend him (for real?? I have to doubt my mental state at that time of life). 
It was such a bad, bad relationship. I'm not even telling you the half of it. The point of this post isn't to bad mouth him or to rehash what happened between us, that wouldn't be of any use at all. In fact, I only feel the freedom to say any of this because *so few* people would be able to figure out who he is, due to his strict demands that I keep what was between us a secret (honestly, I swear... I'm not as insane as this post makes me sound).
The point is, one day I made the decision to go to a silly western movie. One I didn't want to see. One I was desperate to get out of. There were a million opportunities to go home that night, but some how I still ended up at the theater. And in that theater began the end of our unhealthy relationship and the beginning of my freedom.
I think about that movie all the time.
And I am so grateful.
I couldn't have found someone so completely opposite. My mom still says to me, "NOW do you see what we were talking about? NOW do you see what it means to be with someone who cares for you?" whenever she catches John being loving toward me (which is... all the time).
oh hey, we eloped
Do you have moments like that? Maybe your experience was more obvious and you knew how the choice you were making would effect your path, maybe like me, you didn't. It's good to look back. It's so good to remember. I marvel over it at times... I just can't imagine. If I had stayed where I was, I would have missed out on the greatest blessing... the most incredible gift God has ever given me.
If you feel like sharing your moment, I'd love to hear it. Feel free to comment or connect with me on FB. You can always email me at, too.
Thanks for reading.


  1. I have these thoughts all the time. It's amazing how one little decision can change the course of your life. My ex was also not so great. Even his best friend had a heart-to-heart with me telling me I deserved better. But it took a seven-year relationship to make me finally realize who I was and what kind of life I wanted for myself. It was then that I realized it couldn't possibly be with this person because we're too different, and not in that "opposites attract" kind of way. I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. If I had broken up with my ex sooner, I may not have ended up with my amazing husband. And I wouldn't have learned who I am along the way.

  2. Mhm- sometimes the painful path is important. I totally agree. And I can say 100% that I (and I know he!) will be eternally grateful that you *did* end up with your husband. It brings tears to my eyes <3


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